Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dead Than Red? Your Call..... (sorry, I had to)......

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. . We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama .
We get the Tour of California.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make your red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Blue States


bonxie said...

As a red Virginia resident, I'd like to defect and come with you (unless, of course, it turns out on 11/4 that VA is actually blue!). Either way, I live in the part that's not the "real Virginia" according to the McCain campaign, so maybe I qualify already.

(And, unfortunately, you're wrong about the condors... condors were re-introduced in Arizona before California, but maybe they'll come with us, too.)

Anonymous said...

The fact that you would be willing to kill unborn and let those that kill live...There is something wrong there. Guessing that you have probably never served this county, but only have taken from a country where others have sacrificed, and served to protect and secure your rights. That’s something to be proud of. I really drought that when they come to take away your wealth to give to some laze ass under achiever you'll happily let them bring you down to their level. Sure. Take you looser class and go form your country and share your wealth for a Change…They’ll take care of you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Gayness (Lame) political crap.

Back to the totally cool bike content.

Anonymous said...

ha ha - love it. I DROUGHT you'll be taking any loosers suffering under the spell of McCainism propogando who were too LAZE to learn to spell when they were in school either.

Anonymous said...

Not everyone believes in socialism, "economic justice", and the redistribtion of wealth epsoused by Obama.
Socialism hasn't worked anywhere, why would it work here ? Like one of your other commentators mentioned, lets hear you mouth off when you fork over your cash to an illegal immigrant or unemployed dickwad.

Anonymous said...

Book now.