RARE SIGHTING NEAR OHIO CHURCH
Eerily reminiscent of the famous 1967 Bigfoot picture (inset), a blurred figure carrying a Bible was recently caught on film in a church parking lot in Ohio. Anthropologists are hopeful that this proves that the supposedly extinct species has survived the Church Growth Movement and will soon repopulate the Midwest.
The scientific community was rocked this month when new photographic evidence was presented which appears to confirm the existence of a homonid species long considered extinct by most experts: the elusive Bible-carrying churchgoer. The photograph, taken by Clem Pilsner, is the first known sighting of the creature in twenty years which anthropologists have officially named “Homo biblia sacra” or “Suburban Bible Man.” If the photo is authentic, it would be the first verification of the existence of this Bible-toting species since the beginning of the Church Growth era.
Pilsner, a window washer from Ripley, Ohio, took the photo on Sunday morning, January 16th, with his new Sprint picture phone. “I was driving my truck to get another six-pack before the (football) game when something caught my eye,” he told The Sacred Sandwich in an exclusive interview. “At first glance it was just a dark figure walking across First Church’s parking lot. But when I seen it carrying a Bible, I about dropped my breakfast burrito.” Fortunately, Pilsner was able to take a quick snapshot with his cell phone before the creature disappeared into the church building. “I’m just thankful my horrified screams didn’t shake the camera too much,” he added.
Deacon Horatio Boomer, an official spokesman for First Church of Ripley, refused to comment on the sighting. “We don’t feel comfortable speculating on such fanciful tales of fiction,” Boomer sternly announced before heading toward the church building. “Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get the church ready for our Left Behind reader’s group.”
In stark contrast to the church’s apparent skepticism, the townspeople at Harry’s Diner were not surprised at Pilsner’s shocking discovery. “We’ve been hearing about this critter off and on for years,” waitress Gloria Philpot explained. “Last year, when Stu Murray claimed he’d seen it over at the Catholic Church we laughed him out of the diner. But when Clem interrupts his Sunday beer run to snap a picture of the thing, you gotta take it seriously. We're just glad he didn't have his gun at the time.”
While specialists who have examined the photograph generally agree that the Pilsner photo is not doctored, they cannot verify that the object in the creature’s hand is actually a Bible. An FBI document analyst, Harold Tucker, has his doubts. “We’ve had hundreds of sightings over the past three years,” Tucker explained, “and inevitably they always turn out to be holding copies of The Purpose Driven Life or The Prayer of Jabez.” Tucker’s conclusions so far? “Considering the lack of suit and tie on the creature, my gut tells me we’re possibly looking at an Xtreme Teen Bible, and not a King James.”
When asked if this could be evidence of a new, evolved species of Homo biblia sacra, Tucker replied, “Don't be stupid. Christians don’t believe in evolution.”